Entry 300 - The Secret Smack to the Face
9/30/24
You know, I thought about it... Did SDSU destroy my belief in a religion that shaped most of my life? Did it help me forfeit my dedicated allegiance to a religion? Was it the secret smack that led me to risk it all in the name of truly finding myself? Perhaps. But perhaps it wasn’t a bad thing. Perhaps it was completely necessary because where I was in life before it was painfully sick and sad. I was completely lost in this false self I created to protect myself from bullying and the judgment of others.
I hated parts of myself in the name of religion and lived a life of dishonesty when asked about who I love or what I look for. I lied about who I was, and I lied about who I truly loved. Christianity helped in no way, shape, or form in helping me break free from the mask I wore and the lies I told myself to fit in with my peers. If anything, it only encouraged me more in those areas to be considered a good, pious Christian girl. Truly the only one I was fooling was myself and the only one I was making more miserable than anyone else was myself. I spent many painful years of my life pretending to be someone I was not, pretending to like guys when I know I didn’t, all in the name of fitting in, and so I wouldn’t be bullied.
This is why I don’t pledge allegiance to the Christian religion because if it were that one true religion, it should have woken me up and encouraged me to fully accept myself, but it didn’t. Thankfully it did point me to God the best it could, but I quickly realized Christianity is a religion and merely a pointer to the Source. It has no more power to save me than an ant on a tree. All saving power comes from God, who is within. Knowledge of this is the beginning of wisdom because then you stop looking outside of yourself for something to complete you and finally realize you have actually been complete this whole time.
You actually had everything necessary to become enlightened and free from the disillusionment created by the world and by yourself; all you had to do was look inside. Religion can try to take credit, that white coat preacher who keeps asking for your money can try to take credit, that self-help book can try to take credit, but deep, deep down you knew all along the truth was always there. It was always right inside of you. The truth of who you really are and the courage to live authentically has always been there, but you’re finally deciding to make it a reality. Now to me that is the purest form of waking up.
You know, I thought about it... Did SDSU destroy my belief in a religion that shaped most of my life? Did it help me forfeit my dedicated allegiance to a religion? Was it the secret smack that led me to risk it all in the name of truly finding myself? Perhaps. But perhaps it wasn’t a bad thing. Perhaps it was completely necessary because where I was in life before it was painfully sick and sad. I was completely lost in this false self I created to protect myself from bullying and the judgment of others.
I hated parts of myself in the name of religion and lived a life of dishonesty when asked about who I love or what I look for. I lied about who I was, and I lied about who I truly loved. Christianity helped in no way, shape, or form in helping me break free from the mask I wore and the lies I told myself to fit in with my peers. If anything, it only encouraged me more in those areas to be considered a good, pious Christian girl. Truly the only one I was fooling was myself and the only one I was making more miserable than anyone else was myself. I spent many painful years of my life pretending to be someone I was not, pretending to like guys when I know I didn’t, all in the name of fitting in, and so I wouldn’t be bullied.
This is why I don’t pledge allegiance to the Christian religion because if it were that one true religion, it should have woken me up and encouraged me to fully accept myself, but it didn’t. Thankfully it did point me to God the best it could, but I quickly realized Christianity is a religion and merely a pointer to the Source. It has no more power to save me than an ant on a tree. All saving power comes from God, who is within. Knowledge of this is the beginning of wisdom because then you stop looking outside of yourself for something to complete you and finally realize you have actually been complete this whole time.
You actually had everything necessary to become enlightened and free from the disillusionment created by the world and by yourself; all you had to do was look inside. Religion can try to take credit, that white coat preacher who keeps asking for your money can try to take credit, that self-help book can try to take credit, but deep, deep down you knew all along the truth was always there. It was always right inside of you. The truth of who you really are and the courage to live authentically has always been there, but you’re finally deciding to make it a reality. Now to me that is the purest form of waking up.
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