Entry 303 - Dark Night of the Soul

February 26th 2020

I was considering life and how hilarious it is that we’re all on this planet but no one knows truly 100% why we’re here, and so we’re all just guessing our best guesses based off of our experience and the experiences of our parents, or those before us, or around us, and I just thought it was so funny that there are people who act so sure about what they believe to be so true even though no one knows for sure....

And I was just reminiscing on how everything feels so strangely unreal to me... Almost like divine play.... like a game of sorts.... Like I’ve gotten this idea of what if this truly is a game that either someone else or I programmed, and I manually entered myself into this game and forget my true self because I was trying to prove to everybody else that I could win at either someone else’s game or my own game starting from the ground up? With no hints, no cheat codes, just pure me. Maybe it’s a test of my own abilities? Maybe I did all this for a different reason, but nonetheless I did it?

The reason why I compare it to a game programmed because I’ve programmed games before. I’ve created a main player that I controlled and observed the game from that person’s point of view. I’ve created bots, I’ve created an environment and so on, and I’ve created conflict to be overcome, problems to be solved, and I’m saying... What if currently I am in the most highly, sophisticated game called life and because I am simply a player within the game, I don’t know how I was created, or what program or any of that because I haven't awakened to my "true programming" yet? 

So essentially I programmed myself to forget true reality and that this is a game.... and what if everyone is just a highly sophisticated bot of some sorts of either other people who opt in to go through amnesia of our true reality and hop in as players, or who are just genuinely bots made solely for the game? So then, what if the whole point is to see if we can break out of the game? If we can crack the matrix? If we can find the holes or the glitches in the game, and find the truth behind the game? 

The goal being to find out that I did create my reality, my challenges, my lessons I wanted to go through? I created this portion of the game and I put myself in and one day I found out, I woke up to the reality that it's all just a divine, beautifully orchestrated game of games. I’m not saying I’m God over all no, not at all... but if we’re using that term as in a creator of a certain portion of a game similar to the idea behind the movie Ready Player One, but they didn’t create every game on the market, just that particular one? Then in some sense, I find out that I am the creator of this particular game that I'm in (my surroundings, who I would be friends with, who I'd learn lessons from, where I'd grow up, who I would marry, etc), and I willfully decided to forget all that in order to see if I could escape the game itself without any prior knowledge, perhaps leaving little conscious signposts leading to my awakening? 

 
So yes, there’s obviously a Source, the Almighty God over all, and I’m not saying I am that source and God over all. But maybe I do exist in a place more real than here, but somehow I am in this game that seems to go on for so long yet so quickly... Like maybe the game feels like 90 years but when I step out of this personalized virtualization, and I’ve actually only been playing the game for like 1 hour. :O

Just like no one knows with absolute certainty their select religion is true, no one can say this idea of mine is fully false or true because no one knows for sure if any of their ideas are fully false or true!!! We’re all just guessing!!! That’s what makes me truly skeptical!! Because religion tries to say why and expects you to rely on other people’s experiences and cultivate your own faith in those beliefs with the story it gives you, but coding, VR, mixed reality, and all that is one hundred percent based off of facts and not faith. 

You don’t have to trust someone’s experience or have your own experience to know it’s a fact that we can create these inner worlds through technology.  Although you can do both, the facts speak for themselves. Sophisticated games are a marvel and the understanding that one day we can have virtual games potentially indistinguishable from reality demonstrates that out of all the theories, us being in some sort of extremely sophisticated game is much more likely than one religion claiming to know the truth of why we’re here and asking us to simply have faith in their stories passed down from generation to generation.

However, what makes me feel alone and why life gives me serious Truman Show vibes is because when I am trying to talk about associations and comparisons and quantum and what not, many people genuinely cannot handle it, and so many people seem to turn off. Like they genuinely cannot handle the programming.... Like they’ve been overloaded and they just kind of look at you all spacey, and you wonder, am I the only one??? I sure hope not!! I sure hope it’s not just one big game because that would entail I could most definitely lose and not accomplish what I sought out to accomplish.... And I definitely don’t want to lose because I’m very competitive lol....

But another thing that makes me feel like it is a game is how it always seems that my inner world matches my outer world... what I mean by that is when I was pretending to be super girly and wore a mask, I mainly saw super girly girls like me and of course I saw other expressions of people, but that’s what I predominantly saw reflected back at me and who I surrounded myself with. My environment was faithful to my inner environment, even if it was all fake and a mask. I chose fake, and fake chose me back. There’s a strange and eery allegiance of reciprocity to life that cannot fully be explained, only experienced.

But now, being proud with who I am and the way I love to express myself, I barely if ever see these super girly girls all over. I actually see a whole lot more tomboys than ever, and I actually don’t feel so alone. It’s very interesting..... Like I said... it just seems that the outer world and inner world match up and that seems to be a very coincidental program of sorts....

Maybe that’s what is so shocking about life... The more you learn about how things work, about mathematics, physics, quantum computing, programming, machine learning, the concrete and absolute things that truly explain life in smaller digestible packages, the more you realize the “mini map” could most definitely be a chunk of the “big map”. That zoom into Africa (representing Python machine learning) if zoomed out to planet Earth could most definitely explain a process and a program of a much more highly sophisticated programming language and machine learning that we have yet to zoom out to and connect the dots and truly comprehend.

The fact that the “mini map” exists out of a chunk of a much larger map strongly suggests there is so much more that we have yet to discover. The acts throughout the ages of constantly advancing beyond what we are used to is evidence that there is still so much out there we have yet to discover and invent. The very act of creating new inventions when it only existed as an idea shows there is something beyond what lies in front of us in the physical dimension. 

There is a strange phenomenon of inventions, discovery, learning about the world and all that is in it.... it’s almost as if life is hard-wired to be solved... All these unknowns becoming knowns throughout the ages.... People in the olden days said the world is flat, but then through science and our own inventions we know it clearly isn’t (unless you're a flat-earther who has never taken a college level physics class). People thought we would never have personal computers, and now practically every human in a first world country owns one. 

The fact that we are constantly breaking through barriers, creating new inventions, learning more and more about our world and the universe is evidence that even though we might not know why exactly it is we are here with 100% unwavering certainty, we can speculate that our existence is surrounded by an environment that is set up for us to discover more.

When will we hit a wall with what we discover? When will we hit a wall with our inventions? Is everything that we can think possible to program or possibly to make happen in reality? Does every idea hold potential for transmutation into reality, or are there some things impossible? Can we travel the speed of light? Can we eventually enter a black hole and survive to find another thriving universe on the other side? Can we live comfortably on planet Mars? Can we create new genetic variations of human beings that adapt to other planetary climates or is there a limit to all this, or is there truly no limit? Are we the ones who limit ourselves, or are we limited by our universe around us? 

When we try to invent or someone tries to publish a discovery, why has there been such opposition from others? Why did people try to refute scientific discoveries? Why did religion try to kill those who questioned the way religion told the narrative? Maybe potentially because they knew that only that which is not real can be threatened, and they must deal with anyone who threatens their religion and those faithful followers who keep it thriving with their donations and volunteer service. So many questions, so little time...