Entry 1,992 - Entry 2,013
Entry 1,992 - October 7th, 2023
The problem is not with people feeling the emotions of guilt or shame but rather using those emotions to write laws that stop people from living their authentic truth—making them go to jail, making them go to prison, or removing access to healthcare that they have a right to.
That is the problem with extremist Christians. Feel free to believe however you want to believe. But the minute their emotional feelings get in the way of allowing other people to live their lives authentically by writing in laws barring them from living truthfully, that is when it becomes a problem.
Entry 1,993 - October 7th, 2023
Now, when I see a extremsit, fundmental Christian churches, I imagine it being a false front, like the Death Star for Darth Vader—pretending to do good to the galaxy through domination but actually serving a monstrous entity that salvages people’s realities for its own gain.
When I think about how I want to change the world, I liken it to different characters to explain it. For example, I could be like Snape, where I pretend to serve a monstrous entity, but I’m actually exposing all the deleterious effects to those who are being weakened and hurt on the outside by them. People on the inside may think I’m in their version of religion, but I’m not. I serve only unconditional love.
Or I could be like Harry Potter, who is absolutely against this bloodthirsty entity, where everyone knows and is open about it. Both approaches are valid, but which one would serve the most benefit?
Entry 1,994 - October 7th, 2023
The questions I have for fundamental mainstream Christians are:
How has applying the blood been for you over the many years you’ve been alive?
Are you satisfied with your life?
Are you satisfied with your own authenticity?
Or has the blood been ineffectual in all these areas? Maybe this is something for you to explore.
My next question is: Why is the Creator’s love not enough for you? Why do you need to rely on blood from centuries ago to invoke something positive in your life? Why don’t you simply trust your connection with the Creator is enough?
Entry 1,995 - October 7th, 2023
I think one of the fear tactics negatively-oriented entities may use within blood rituals—or when people invoke blood to channel these entities—is the belief that they can’t get out of it or else they will die.
But there are many of us who got out of it, and we are fine. I think it’s an illogical fear to believe they actually own us when, in reality, they don’t. No one owns us besides ourselves.
I think this was wonderfully shown by Snape. Even though it seemed like he was sworn to Voldemort through some blood oath or allegiance, he actually served Dumbledore and the light.
It just goes to show an oath doesn’t mean much. What means more is where our heart is.
Entry 1,996 - October 8th, 2023
For a lot of people, they don’t know the difference between who they are and what religion is to them.
Because of that, I recommend most people take six months to a year away from the religion they were born into or have followed for many years in order to find themselves before going back deeper into that religion.
Otherwise, it’s really easy to confuse the two.
Entry 1,997 - October 9th, 2023
What does surrender even mean?
It’s literally just a concept in the brain.
If you can’t even see the invisible entity, then the idea of surrendering is really just an idea in the head.
But if you’re surrendering to yourself, that would look different for everyone because everyone would have their own concept of what it means.
It’s already an idealization of a concept that we create meaning around.
Entry 1,998 - October 11th, 2023
I realized I’ve RARELY tapped into the power of hatred.
It’s been so demonized by religion that I didn’t realize how it can be used as fuel to accomplish one’s dreams, goals, and desires if channeled in such a way.
It can be used as fuel for working out.
It can be channeled as energy while working out in the gym.
It is powerful when one can use it to propel oneself forward.
It is weak when it is projected onto others.
Entry 1,999 - October 11th, 2023
People think death is so scary in the sense that it will hurt, but in actuality, death is the last orgasm in life.
After you orgasm sexually, you know how you have that last breath out? That is what happens when you die. You have that relaxing exhale.
There’s nothing scary about it. It’s actually total relief.
Entry 2,000 - October 11th, 2023
I didn’t know who I was and who I wasn’t. I only knew what my religion wanted me to be.
I was miserable and scared to death of a version of a god that exists only in the minds of those who allow him to. A version created by man, and I served it.
A true Creator is beyond anything we can conceive.
When I found myself and took a step away from religion, I realized how much of my trauma came from religion.
Even now, I’m still deconstructing. It’s difficult, but at least I’m now aware of it.
Entry 2,001 - October 15th, 2023
I can spot people who are disassociating because of Christianity, and many are doing it either unknowingly or knowingly. It’s where, intuitively, you feel one way, but you’ve been conditioned not to trust yourself and only trust the interpretation of your specific denomination.
Entry 2,002 - October 16th, 2023
I embrace my humanity where, before, I would hide from it.
Entry 2,003 - October 16th, 2023
Worshiping the Christian God as perceived by Christian extremists is like worshiping Lord Dagon in Skyrim. If you don’t know what that means, go play the game and go find them.
Entry 2,004 - October 18th, 2023
My experience with religion is that it generates trauma, then attempts to provide an antidote to it.
It’s religion-made problems with religion-made answers. That’s why you can’t find answers outside of the religion—because it generates problems only it can answer.
That’s what creates the superiority-mind complex. By creating problems only it can answer, it really is sick and keeps people locked into the religion.
For example, they convince you that you’re evil, wretched, and terrible at your core so that you have nowhere to turn besides them. Then they tell you how to be saved from yourself.
It’s like any marketing tactic you see on the web: show the audience their problem and then provide the solution. But with religion, they throw in a love-bombing community, free food, community events, and laughter to keep people coming back.
Mix the negative beliefs with positive interactions plus events, and you have a regular attendee.
Entry 2,005 - October 18th, 2023
I think one of the main problems in our lives is that people are creating more digital experiences because it’s cheaper for them. It costs less, and we’re having fewer people with the initiative to create physical experiences, so our reality is getting split between physical and virtual.
We are disassociating from one world and entering another world, which creates a split within us. It would be so much more advantageous if we created more physical experiences that made us wild, happy, etc.
Entry 2,006 - October 20th, 2023
I made a realization: I never had to abuse drugs or alcohol to escape my emotions because I learned how to compartmentalize them so well that I didn’t need to develop a coping mechanism. Compartmentalization was enough to get me through.
When I was doing Meisner with my classmates, I noticed that my whole body was shaking uncontrollably with emotion. I finally connected the dots. Back when I watched Everything Everywhere All at Once, my body also was shaking uncontrollably. The reason why the movie was so powerful for me was because it reconnected me to my emotional body, which I’ve stayed disassociated from for so long.
I had to admit to myself that I don’t like feeling emotions because it feels like I’m lost in a wave I cannot control, and I don’t like to be out of control.
Entry 2,007 - October 20th, 2023
The reason why I meditate is not for nirvana but rather for complete mastery over my body.
Entry 2,008 - October 21st, 2023
You know those tingles you feel when you worship, when you pray, or when you listen to someone sing from their soul? Those aren’t tingles from the spirit; those are tingles from your emotional body—from your inner feelings center.
The feeling center connects you to the Earth and everyone else. You are tapping into a sacred part of yourself that is often suppressed to fit into a society that encourages the suppression of emotions.
In my opinion, the man who accepts his humanity, fully lives his humanity, and does so authentically, is far more adept than the spiritual person who pretends they are not human, who pretends they don’t have emotions, or who doesn’t honor their first impulse with their emotions.
There are so many religions out there that encourage the suppression of emotions to experience a form of enlightenment. In my opinion, that is the most cowardly thing to do—to suppress the emotions that are begging to be felt, accepted, honored, and realized.
Really feeling your emotions and sharing them with others allows you to communicate how you truly feel and who you truly are in that moment. If you suppress them to avoid hurting another person, you’re actually doing a disservice to yourself and them because you’re not communicating authentically how you feel in that moment.
If you keep it to yourself, you lose the opportunity to show that person how their actions made you feel. Again, this does them a disservice. They can’t learn from it. They don’t realize the full impact of their actions—whether it made you happy, sad, angry, ecstatic, etc.
There was one girl who told me she was having a panic attack because she couldn’t find the theater. When I walked over, she looked calm and relaxed, and I was confused. From my point of view, it seemed like she was being lazy and lying just to get me to come over. If she had allowed herself to express those emotions fully, it would’ve communicated how she truly felt, and it would’ve been easier for me to sympathize.
Entry 2,009 - October 21st, 2023
Our society has become masters of disassociation. We live in two worlds simultaneously—one virtual, one physical.
Entry 2,010 - October 21st, 2023
I had a realization while looking at a billboard that said, "Have lust? Well, Jesus can help with that," and I thought how lust wasn’t the real issue—it goes deeper than that.
Lust is about the future. It’s about wanting something personal right now. If one learns how to be content with where they are and what they currently have, they won’t lust. They’ll trust—trust that when it’s right, it’ll come to them. When it’s right, both parties will naturally gravitate toward each other. It's about being so present that the ego has no ability to keep that person stuck in the future or in the past.
Entry 2,011 - October 22nd, 2023
Kylee was part of an identity I pretended to be. That's why I changed my name. When I removed the mask for good, it was important for me to remove the name connected to that mask. That’s why I say I killed her—because she never truly existed in the first place. The personality I created around her was to fit in properly in my religion, family, society, and friend groups. She was a mask. A facade.
An outward idea to protect a very scared soul—a soul afraid that he would lose it all if he ever put the mask down. At times, the mask would slip, so I would try not to get too close to people. If they did, I would act extra girly to steer them off my trail of authenticity. I did whatever was necessary to preserve my image, to gain my family’s approval, and to not lose the ones I loved and appreciated.
Little did I know, I was living a dangerously disassociated life from my truth. I gave up my authenticity for acceptance and people-pleasing. I was so fragmented from my body, you could see in my eyes that I wasn't truly there. The times I was most anchored in my body were the times I was making other people laugh or laughing alongside them. Those moments scared me too, but it was worth the risk to make someone's day better. It was risky because anytime I anchored in my body and came out of my disassociated state, I would feel myself pulled toward my truth.
That truth had the capacity to leave me homeless, potentially without family, friends, or loved ones. It had the potential to make me so alone that I would have to start all over again. I felt like the risk was too great. The fear was too intense, so I kept up the disassociation, repression, and masking.
It would take me years to find the courage to rip off the mask and live boldly in my authenticity. I had to be okay with potentially losing it all—losing my family's approval, my friendships, and even my own reputation as being a "good Christian." But for me, it was no longer a friendly option. I was faced with a health scare that made me confront the potentiality of death if it did not go well.
A 10-hour reconstructive jaw surgery where I would have to spend a week in the ICU was the biggest wake-up call for me. It forced me out of my mask whether I liked it or not. I didn't have the strength to pretend to be girly because I was more focused on staying alive. I lost my extra vitality that was used to mask and found myself dressing how I would without a mask and acting how I would without a mask. It scared me, but I literally did not have the energy to wear it. As time went on, I realized it wasn't that scary. I got more comfortable being truthful.
The moral of the story is: be easy on yourself. Let the fear come up, but know that you are stronger than your fear. It cannot hold you prisoner forever. The people who leave you for your truth leave you. It's fine. Accept it and move on. People more aligned with your authentic self will replace them, and eventually, you'll be grateful that they did.
It's okay to take baby steps. It's okay to have compassion for yourself as you become true to who you are in this life. People who never had gender incongruence may never know how hard it is for trans individuals, but I think most people can relate on some level to masking to fit in and be accepted. You'll find your tribe. Give them time to get there. In the meantime, stay strong and don't give up. Let go and let God.
Entry 2,012 - October 22nd, 2023
Having desires is part of what makes us human. Don’t disassociate from your humanity because some cult-like religious leader told you that if you don’t disassociate and detach from your desires, you won’t experience enlightenment.
Entry 2,013 - October 22nd, 2023
You didn’t fail your religion. Your religion failed you.
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