Entry 40 - Lesson on Seeking

July 22nd 2019

During the first few years of college, I remember seeking for the church that God wanted me to be a part of. I thought to myself, there had to be one church that at least was doing it how God wanted them to do it, and it was just a matter of me needing to pray more and wait for God to reveal it.

As time went on, I would get frustrated because it seemed like every church was doing their own thing, but no one knew for sure if it was right. They all had the same Bible, but they were interpreting it all differently. It didn't make sense to me why there was so much diversity in doctrine, in ways of doing things, and more. If anything, it confused me more than it made sense.

I found myself attending a church that promised that they recovered the right way to do things and the other churches didn't have all the precious truths they had. This thinking led to a dependence on their leaders who fed this doctrine, and then I slowly became a full, committed member of their church.

As time went on, I came across mentalities and doctrines from this church that rubbed me the wrong way, but I thought that I was the problem because I wasn't seeing it properly. In meeting over meeting, people would stand up and criticize those outside of their movement and then end with how thankful they were for leaving Babylon and for finding the Lord's recovery. 

This was not even half of the us vs them mentality that came about or other doctrines that unconsciously encouraged division. I started to realize there was a lot of unnecessary judgment leaking from their ministry, and it was slowly starting to creep in and become a part of my thinking. When that started to happen, I realized I had to make a choice: Either I adopted the mentality held by those in this church, or I retained my individuality and refused to be a fully committed member to their church.

To be honest, at first it was really hard to leave this church because I allowed it to become a part of my identity. I still remember the nights I would cry because it felt like I was leaving a part of me behind, but in reality I was finally refusing to identify with them. Then I would cry out to God over and over that He would bring me to the correct church, but then I would get frustrated at God because I felt like it still wasn't clear which church He wanted me to go to. I would pray, but it felt like I wasn't receiving an answer, and I was just as confused as before to whom I should identify with.

You may be thinking this is definitely a strange case, but do not be fooled. This can happen in any denomination, in any sect, in any community. People can unconsciously begin to accept without restraint every way of thinking of that community holds because of the desire to fit in, or by direct coercion by the members and/or leaders of that community. No one is exempt from the pressure of fitting in and the pressure of allowing a community to hold a part of our identity instead of solely with God.

Finally though, I came to the realization that there is no perfect church, but there is a perfect God. There's no need to keep looking for a perfect community because there is no perfect community with perfect doctrine, with perfect interpretation, with perfect leaders. Everything I need is in God, who is within me and is waiting to be experienced in the present. For so much of my life, I was trying to find a safe place to put a part of my identity into, when I should've been putting my identity solely in God.

My outward looking for something outside of me to complete me left me feeling deeply unsatisfied and very dependent on my community to complete that void, but now by instead filling that void with God's eternal Presence, I no longer need anything outside of me to fill me or complete me, because I am complete in God. So now I can genuinely enjoy any community and not be tossed around in worry over who is absolutely right because if I want to experience right, I experience God.

Pastor Rick isn't always going to be right. Priest John won't always be right. The doctrines of so and so church won't always be right, but now I can find solace in the fact that God's presence is the most right, most enlightening, most real, most perfect One in the whole entire universe and I strive to dwell in Him everyday. He is the Presence of the present. Remaining in God is the secret to satisfaction. Trying to seek for it outside of us is the secret of suffering. Dependency on that which is outside of God creates lack, but sufficiency in the Presence of God produces a peace not of this world. A peace that has its source in the Eternal One. Now my gaze has shifted away from the world and into the Presence of God, and to say it's been life changing is an understatement.