Entry 155 - The Blessings of Reconstructive Jaw Surgery

12/25/19

A friend I haven't seen in a while dmed me and said she felt like I was different now, and she didn't know exactly how, but it just seemed like I was more free, and I honestly couldn't have agreed more. Some might have seen a significant shift from before and after my surgery, and I could understand why.

Before surgery, I lived a life that made me fit in, that made people not ask questions. I was predictable, doing what other people were doing, not what I wanted to do. Looking, acting, saying what others expected me to say at the expense of my own preferences. From 8th grade to my first two years of college, I did the best acting performance of my life because I pretended to be someone I wasn't. I hid the parts of me that were always there but that I was too scared to express in real life in case people would bully or judge me. 

I sadly lived a life that I felt would keep me out of judgment from my peers that I so badly needed approval from. I lived my life to please others and to do what they wanted in order to make them happy, but in the process, I neglected my own happiness and lost my true self. At that point in my life, their opinions mattered more than my true expression and because of that, I suffered a lot more than I should have. 

What I did went beyond people pleasing. It was a sort of people teasing because I gave each person exactly what they wanted and pampered them with however they wished for me to be in order to provide them optimal happiness in their own lives. 

But then after surgery, I was forced to take that mask off. I couldn't hold the act anymore. I physically could not put that mask on, and I started saying what I wanted, doing what I wanted, wearing whatever I wanted a little bit every day. I initially had an excuse to because of surgery, but then over time I became more comfortable with how I wished to express myself. 

Now for some glorious reason, I am more free from the fear of rejection and I care less if people like the way I express myself or not because I realized being authentically me is so much more fulfilling than being what others want me to be. Now, I am never going to hide behind a mask in order to be accepted by others. 

If people don't like the way I walk, the way I talk, the way I dress, the way I am, then they can kindly walk themselves out the door of my life and leave. I know people will probably leave because they wanted the girl with the mask, but it's fine because I know that by being authentically me, I'll eventually attract those who appreciate me for who I am, and those friendships will be even more meaningful. And those who were already in my life and choose to stay and love me exactly the way I am are the ones I know have my back no matter what. 

Without that surgery, I could've lost myself in that mask I wore, but I thank God for the trials, the challenges, and the roads that helped me finally break the fake mold that zapped me of my happiness. People might never fully realize how important this shift is to me, but just imagine pretending to like what everyone else likes, dressing how you don't want to dress, acting and speaking only to make others happy and never considering yourself or your own happiness because being liked is more important than being happy. I was so deeply engrossed in this mask that I honestly don't know how I did it and even til this day, I'm still finding out who I really am. 

I embraced suffering and unhappiness for love and acceptance and if I could go back in time and find younger Ky, I'd walk through that door, slap her face, tell her to wake up, that she has only one life, and she's wasting it doing what everyone else wants her to do, and to start living in such a way that brings her happiness. Then I'd zap myself back to the present and pray to God she took my advice. Obviously that is not possible, but starting now with trying to be authentically me is much better than starting ten years from now, and luckily I'm fully aware of my mistake and have no desire to ever go back to that type of living.

I write all this because it's a part of that freeing process and being authentic with who I truly am. I know I still have ways to go, but at least I'm living more of my life the way I wish to live, and I want my friends and family who are around me and care about me to know I am so much happier doing so.