Entry #2.5 - I Never Knew Recovery Would Be This Hard For Me

June 30th 2019

I am a visionary.

I do this thing where I see myself from a futuristic perspective. I see myself at a place where I intend to be, where I know I'll be if I work hard, and then it's almost like my current self gets restless and starts to work toward it. Normally I'd be all gung-ho about it, but the thing is, is I have to recover from my surgery. I have to rest in bed. I have to get better. I have to heal and now is not the time to be entertaining the masses, marketing myself, and yet it's almost like my body is on autopilot. It only sees the goal at the present, and it's catching up to get to that spot. When I want something, it affects everything I do, and honestly I just need to calm myself down and focus on recovering, but it's so hard. It's like trying to force yourself to walk when all you want to do is sprint. Or forcing yourself to eat broccoli as you watch everyone else around you eat Ben and Jerry's half-baked ice cream. It is not natural for me to become unmotivated, and it genuinely hurts.

So that's where the problem arises. While I should be recovering watching Netflix like any normal recovering patient should do, I'm on that social media grind putting myself out there not even fully sure what will happen because social media can be really unpredictable. Bad idea, realllllly bad idea so why is it so hard for me to stop? 

The reason why that's an "uh oh" is because if you push the world, it pushes back. It responds to you.  There are things in the universe that are happening when you put yourself out there. You are more than just putting yourself out there; you will get a reaction because either sooner or later, it's bound to happen. With every push, there is a pull. There is a stimulus and there is a reaction, and that is what I expect as I continue to put myself out there, as I continue to market myself. 

Someday at some moment in time there will be a reaction and this will cause a dramatic shift in my life and once that happens, I know I have to work harder than I've ever worked before because now people are expecting me to post content. Now people are expecting me to entertain them. I remember the process and the outcome years ago but this time I want to be ready, but I also don't want to because I'm swollen AF and should be recovering! So there's the problem. There's a part of me that's aware I'm pushing things too quickly, too fast because I'm still recovering.

But then there's this other part of me that is just ready. It's ready to go even though I'm still recovering, and I can't explain it. It's like I'm on autopilot, and it just goes, and I don't know why. That part of me is dominant, it's stubborn, it's determined it's ready and then there's another part of me that's like: "Kylee you need to relax. You just had a bone graft and this is not what you should be focusing on. You need to get better. You need to heal. You need to stop trying to do things right now and focus on healing" and so that's why I'm so mad at myself. It's like breaking a habit of motivation and working hard. I don't want to, but I have to right now because a part of me knows I need to rest and heal up and that this isn't a time to entertain anybody. So I need to stop the part of me that's literally habitual like I'm not even thinking about it, I'm just doing it and be unmotivated against my will. Like it's engrained into who I am. It's just part of my personality to put myself out there. It's part of my personality to entertain the masses. It's part of my personality to want to make people happy and so there's this weird dichotomy that's happening within me that I'm trying to settle down, and I'm trying to settle it out, but that's just what I'm going through.