Journal Discourse 83
March 2nd 2023
I was confused why i wasn’t like the others
Why I preferred one over a thousand lovers
One kiss for eternity over hook ups in beds
Was I conditioned by church to stay a virgin or did I choose that out of my own internal provision?
Was I programmed to detest sex or did I detest the idea of it being treated anything less than an act of divinity?
Was I asexual or were my standards too high?
What about sex keeps me a virgin?
Is it God? The church? Or myself?
A virgo in astrology might have foreshadowed the realization
but if I don’t need it why make a big deal about it?
If I feel the reason is not persuasive enough, why do it with another?
and so I don’t.
Does that make me anything? maybe it just makes me another human.
Perhaps there is an undertone
As I write this I feel it bubble to the surface
I’ve always known I’m a hopeless romantic at heart
Falling deeply for people in my dreams without an ounce of showing any of those feelings outwardly
But it reaches deeper than that
I only want true love and nothing else
Fake love makes me sick
Using another persons body for pleasure make me want to vomit.
I have no desire to use a person
I only would want to create with that person
Create new worlds, new beginnings, new endings.
Not as in physical children, but as in the bond we sow into reality and beyond every facet we see.
I want only to embrace sexually with someone who recognizes sex as complete divinity.
Sex, not a tool for an orgasm, but a pathway to remembering nirvana.
Sex, not a reason to feel good, but a road to our inner essence that leads to all blessings.
Sex, not merely a function of the body, but a powerful force to consciously enter into and lose oneself in.
I want nothing less than to feel the caress of God through the act of each romantic plunge.
I want nothing less than to feel the connection of myself to another.
I want to engage in the act with one where if sex were gone, it would not matter.
I want someone who makes sex become obsolete because simply being in their presence is when two divinities meet.
I won’t waste my time engaging in a form of sex with a goal lower than mine.
I will wait patiently until I find that soul who resonates with me at a similar frequency.
One that doesn’t see sex as a necessity but as one of many journeys.
–
March 3rd
SMILE even more in the face of conflict.
--
March 4th 2023
All these unanswered romantic invitations
Perplexed by my inability to make the next move
Out of all the parallel me’s that exist in each universe
This me sits in grief at my inability to be open to love from another being.
--
March 5th
In chemistry talk: Negative and positive ions are used to represent the relationship they have with each other. Two like charges (negative and negative) will repel each other and two different charges (positive and negative) will attract each other. Individually, they exist as is. Corporately, they interact uniquely depending on the charge.
In spiritual talk: Negative and positive are arbitrary labels to symbolize deeper meanings that resonate with one’s journey.
--
The benefit of the left-hand path is since they oftentimes stand beyond the confines of one religion, they can alter and positively affect more than one group, community, and religion than say one on the right-hand path where they tend to only be allegiant to one group.
Take for example Christianity. In order to make any huge, nominal changes, one would have to rise in the ranks of the religion to see those changes actually impact more than a few. In order to make global wide changes, one would have to rise for decades up the ladder from priest to bishop to cardinal to Pope. And even on that road, those changes will mostly affect those in tune with that religion positively, but it also oftentimes affect those who are not following that religion negatively.
For example, take all the bills attempting to be passed in by the religious into US states as laws that ban transgender’s from the military, criminalizing doctors for saving women who need an abortion when they could die from giving birth, etc. These religious people who think they are winning on behalf of their religion’s agenda are also oftentimes simultaneously harming those who don’t follow their religion’s precepts.
The right-hand path experience balance when they are not afraid of matter or repel matter, but when they utilize matter and non-matter to help people heal.
The right hand path peeps become more imbalanced when they share sermon after sermon, doctrine after doctrine, preaching negatively about matter and sharing a negative belief that any desire for matter gets in the way of one’s relationship with God, or ever worse, is a rejection of God.
The left hand path peeps experience balance when they are able to work alongside individuals, groups, institutions, religions, etc in a way that upholds the good qualities of each but also challenges any negativity, harmful beliefs, and practices that need to be removed.
The left hand path experiences imbalance when they become addicted to any form of matter that hurts their health and/or safety for example: Addiction to nicotine, fentanyl, etc. Or working alongside any group, corporation, religion that monetary profit over their customers own health and safety. As in, that group is hurting other people and they don’t do anything about it because profit is more important than another person’s health.
--
I’m a virgin, not because of Christianity.
Not for God.
Not for others,
But for myself.
--
There is no God but I
Anything separate from myself is my own creation from myself.
Back when I was Christian, I created a God in my mind that I endowed as the Creator. I gave my own creation power to reward and punish me based on good and bad choices all throughout the day.
I was the maker and the made.
I never challenged my own creation because I thought it was blasphemous to do so.
But once I realized I was the maker of this God I called the Creator, I was no longer a servant of these concepts from Christianity.
Christianity taught me to believe in a God of my own creation from the stories of the Bible.
It taught me to believe in God as if he always existed in my mind before I was born and after I would die.
But the God I served in Christianity did not stem from the I Am. It stemmed from concepts, stories, and beliefs from the Bible.
What would’ve my relationship been like with the I Am if I never submitted to Christianity? If I never read the Bible?
I thoroughly believe it would’ve been a lot healthier. Especially knowing Christianity almost killed me.
--
Once one engrosses themselves in the Shakespearean world of plays, it’s really hard to go back to normal television series that barely dive deep.
Shakespeare tickles your fancies.
Mainstream tv shows like Euphoria tickles your reptilian brain and animal dick.
--
Strangely, these past few years every random Christian I’ve met while traveling was obsessed with demonic activity. Out of all the Christian symbolism, topics, ideologies they could talk about, they jump straight to demons and go on for what feels like hours at a time about how they were attacked or how they saw someone get possessed.
Mass paranoia is a dangerous drug within many religions, including Christianity. Addiction to these topics that create fear can be just as addictive as substance abuse. The mind craves that which gives meaning to the ego in a way that keeps the ego frightened and in charge.
–
March 7th
The senators raising awareness of their fanaticism with the eradication of transgenderism is evident during our time period. Instead of focusing on helping eradicate homelessness, helping people go from poverty to living a healthy and happy lives, they are expending precious time and energy directing bills towards transgender people choosing what to do with their own personal body.
This is an extension of imperialistic patriarchal ruling stemming from the fanatical branches of Christendom where white men attempt to control the bodies of others on the ground of their skewed morality. Even though no where does it condemn men and women from following their heart, living and doing what they believe is best for their health, these white men stand up on their pulpit and convince everyone that transgenderism is the monster, when it is actually their desire to eradicate people’s right to choose what they do with their bodies.
This strange desire for heteronormative white men (and anyone else they persuade to follow their beliefs) to control what other people can and cannot do with their bodies stems from their oligarchal beliefs around God and religion. They truly think they are being good by barring people from personal choice over their bodies, even to the extent if doing so causes these people who suffer from gender dysphoria to commit suicide. They don’t understand the deep ramifications of controlling what people can and cannot do with their bodies by passing in laws criminalizing the ability to change their body how they would like to.
--
March 8th
My writings are encoded with my vibrations. They inevitably plant a seed of living one’s truth in the face of systems built on creating carbon-copy followers.
--
March 11th
I deconstructed my belief system in religion and became healthier, happier and more fulfilled.
The only good thing religion has added to this world is hope to its followers that there is more for us after this life.
Most of their "morality codes" they've endowed and upheld restrain, create pain, and in general: suck ass.
–
For some time, I thought I was strange, because I didn’t want to hook up with random people or have sex. I didn’t even want to have sex without first knowing that person was committed to me in marriage. But then I realized, I only want to be with those who’ve been with me throughout the ages. And that explained a lot more.
--
My love for chickens is too much and I can no longer eat them when I know I don’t have to because there are other options. Save a chicken, eat a veggie burger.
–
March 13th
I WANT TO BE KYGLO UNHINGED.
--
March 13th 2023
Duality as a reality is an illusion to swim in.
Picture a room with a box within.
The box has a light switch that can turn a light on, represent life, and an off switch, representing death, but the moment one steps outside of the box and into the room outside which is always on (life) they realize they never truly died.
--
March 14th 2023
On a less serious note oftentimes made by religion, I think the afterlife is much more like the Oscars than it is “you either get heaven forever and eternal doom and gloom in a fiery pit called hell.”
I could imagine someone greeting a person and being like, “Damn Harold. You really did a great job playing the villain in Cathy’s story.” And Harold being like, “Thanks Sharol. It wasn’t easy, but the forgetting before we came to Earth helped keep it realistic.”
--
Religion put me in a weird place of lying in order to participate or telling the truth and being barred from participation.
If I tell the meditation retreat I do self-hypnosis and hypnotherapy, then they won’t let me participate. If I tell them I practice any other meditation technique, they also won’t let me participate.
If I lie, then I can do both. Who is the wrong one? The person forcing you to give up what you love to do in order to conform or lying so that you can still do what you love and also participate?
Right and wrong is never fully black and white. It’s often a gray blob.
--
March 14th
The power and potency in my writings are not in the words, but in the vibrations behind the words. The words are symbols. The vibration is what transforms. My goal with my writings is not to convince someone to believe how I believe, but rather to remind them that they have the power to release harmful beliefs and replace them for more beneficial beliefs whenever they are ready to. If I can do it, which is what my blog is about, (a record of my beliefs changing and transforming as the years go by), then surely they can too.
I was confused why i wasn’t like the others
Why I preferred one over a thousand lovers
One kiss for eternity over hook ups in beds
Was I conditioned by church to stay a virgin or did I choose that out of my own internal provision?
Was I programmed to detest sex or did I detest the idea of it being treated anything less than an act of divinity?
Was I asexual or were my standards too high?
What about sex keeps me a virgin?
Is it God? The church? Or myself?
A virgo in astrology might have foreshadowed the realization
but if I don’t need it why make a big deal about it?
If I feel the reason is not persuasive enough, why do it with another?
and so I don’t.
Does that make me anything? maybe it just makes me another human.
Perhaps there is an undertone
As I write this I feel it bubble to the surface
I’ve always known I’m a hopeless romantic at heart
Falling deeply for people in my dreams without an ounce of showing any of those feelings outwardly
But it reaches deeper than that
I only want true love and nothing else
Fake love makes me sick
Using another persons body for pleasure make me want to vomit.
I have no desire to use a person
I only would want to create with that person
Create new worlds, new beginnings, new endings.
Not as in physical children, but as in the bond we sow into reality and beyond every facet we see.
I want only to embrace sexually with someone who recognizes sex as complete divinity.
Sex, not a tool for an orgasm, but a pathway to remembering nirvana.
Sex, not a reason to feel good, but a road to our inner essence that leads to all blessings.
Sex, not merely a function of the body, but a powerful force to consciously enter into and lose oneself in.
I want nothing less than to feel the caress of God through the act of each romantic plunge.
I want nothing less than to feel the connection of myself to another.
I want to engage in the act with one where if sex were gone, it would not matter.
I want someone who makes sex become obsolete because simply being in their presence is when two divinities meet.
I won’t waste my time engaging in a form of sex with a goal lower than mine.
I will wait patiently until I find that soul who resonates with me at a similar frequency.
One that doesn’t see sex as a necessity but as one of many journeys.
–
March 3rd
SMILE even more in the face of conflict.
--
March 4th 2023
All these unanswered romantic invitations
Perplexed by my inability to make the next move
Out of all the parallel me’s that exist in each universe
This me sits in grief at my inability to be open to love from another being.
--
March 5th
In chemistry talk: Negative and positive ions are used to represent the relationship they have with each other. Two like charges (negative and negative) will repel each other and two different charges (positive and negative) will attract each other. Individually, they exist as is. Corporately, they interact uniquely depending on the charge.
In spiritual talk: Negative and positive are arbitrary labels to symbolize deeper meanings that resonate with one’s journey.
--
The benefit of the left-hand path is since they oftentimes stand beyond the confines of one religion, they can alter and positively affect more than one group, community, and religion than say one on the right-hand path where they tend to only be allegiant to one group.
Take for example Christianity. In order to make any huge, nominal changes, one would have to rise in the ranks of the religion to see those changes actually impact more than a few. In order to make global wide changes, one would have to rise for decades up the ladder from priest to bishop to cardinal to Pope. And even on that road, those changes will mostly affect those in tune with that religion positively, but it also oftentimes affect those who are not following that religion negatively.
For example, take all the bills attempting to be passed in by the religious into US states as laws that ban transgender’s from the military, criminalizing doctors for saving women who need an abortion when they could die from giving birth, etc. These religious people who think they are winning on behalf of their religion’s agenda are also oftentimes simultaneously harming those who don’t follow their religion’s precepts.
The right-hand path experience balance when they are not afraid of matter or repel matter, but when they utilize matter and non-matter to help people heal.
The right hand path peeps become more imbalanced when they share sermon after sermon, doctrine after doctrine, preaching negatively about matter and sharing a negative belief that any desire for matter gets in the way of one’s relationship with God, or ever worse, is a rejection of God.
The left hand path peeps experience balance when they are able to work alongside individuals, groups, institutions, religions, etc in a way that upholds the good qualities of each but also challenges any negativity, harmful beliefs, and practices that need to be removed.
The left hand path experiences imbalance when they become addicted to any form of matter that hurts their health and/or safety for example: Addiction to nicotine, fentanyl, etc. Or working alongside any group, corporation, religion that monetary profit over their customers own health and safety. As in, that group is hurting other people and they don’t do anything about it because profit is more important than another person’s health.
--
I’m a virgin, not because of Christianity.
Not for God.
Not for others,
But for myself.
--
There is no God but I
Anything separate from myself is my own creation from myself.
Back when I was Christian, I created a God in my mind that I endowed as the Creator. I gave my own creation power to reward and punish me based on good and bad choices all throughout the day.
I was the maker and the made.
I never challenged my own creation because I thought it was blasphemous to do so.
But once I realized I was the maker of this God I called the Creator, I was no longer a servant of these concepts from Christianity.
Christianity taught me to believe in a God of my own creation from the stories of the Bible.
It taught me to believe in God as if he always existed in my mind before I was born and after I would die.
But the God I served in Christianity did not stem from the I Am. It stemmed from concepts, stories, and beliefs from the Bible.
What would’ve my relationship been like with the I Am if I never submitted to Christianity? If I never read the Bible?
I thoroughly believe it would’ve been a lot healthier. Especially knowing Christianity almost killed me.
--
Once one engrosses themselves in the Shakespearean world of plays, it’s really hard to go back to normal television series that barely dive deep.
Shakespeare tickles your fancies.
Mainstream tv shows like Euphoria tickles your reptilian brain and animal dick.
--
Strangely, these past few years every random Christian I’ve met while traveling was obsessed with demonic activity. Out of all the Christian symbolism, topics, ideologies they could talk about, they jump straight to demons and go on for what feels like hours at a time about how they were attacked or how they saw someone get possessed.
Mass paranoia is a dangerous drug within many religions, including Christianity. Addiction to these topics that create fear can be just as addictive as substance abuse. The mind craves that which gives meaning to the ego in a way that keeps the ego frightened and in charge.
–
March 7th
The senators raising awareness of their fanaticism with the eradication of transgenderism is evident during our time period. Instead of focusing on helping eradicate homelessness, helping people go from poverty to living a healthy and happy lives, they are expending precious time and energy directing bills towards transgender people choosing what to do with their own personal body.
This is an extension of imperialistic patriarchal ruling stemming from the fanatical branches of Christendom where white men attempt to control the bodies of others on the ground of their skewed morality. Even though no where does it condemn men and women from following their heart, living and doing what they believe is best for their health, these white men stand up on their pulpit and convince everyone that transgenderism is the monster, when it is actually their desire to eradicate people’s right to choose what they do with their bodies.
This strange desire for heteronormative white men (and anyone else they persuade to follow their beliefs) to control what other people can and cannot do with their bodies stems from their oligarchal beliefs around God and religion. They truly think they are being good by barring people from personal choice over their bodies, even to the extent if doing so causes these people who suffer from gender dysphoria to commit suicide. They don’t understand the deep ramifications of controlling what people can and cannot do with their bodies by passing in laws criminalizing the ability to change their body how they would like to.
--
March 8th
My writings are encoded with my vibrations. They inevitably plant a seed of living one’s truth in the face of systems built on creating carbon-copy followers.
--
March 11th
I deconstructed my belief system in religion and became healthier, happier and more fulfilled.
The only good thing religion has added to this world is hope to its followers that there is more for us after this life.
Most of their "morality codes" they've endowed and upheld restrain, create pain, and in general: suck ass.
–
For some time, I thought I was strange, because I didn’t want to hook up with random people or have sex. I didn’t even want to have sex without first knowing that person was committed to me in marriage. But then I realized, I only want to be with those who’ve been with me throughout the ages. And that explained a lot more.
--
My love for chickens is too much and I can no longer eat them when I know I don’t have to because there are other options. Save a chicken, eat a veggie burger.
–
March 13th
I WANT TO BE KYGLO UNHINGED.
--
March 13th 2023
Duality as a reality is an illusion to swim in.
Picture a room with a box within.
The box has a light switch that can turn a light on, represent life, and an off switch, representing death, but the moment one steps outside of the box and into the room outside which is always on (life) they realize they never truly died.
--
March 14th 2023
On a less serious note oftentimes made by religion, I think the afterlife is much more like the Oscars than it is “you either get heaven forever and eternal doom and gloom in a fiery pit called hell.”
I could imagine someone greeting a person and being like, “Damn Harold. You really did a great job playing the villain in Cathy’s story.” And Harold being like, “Thanks Sharol. It wasn’t easy, but the forgetting before we came to Earth helped keep it realistic.”
--
Religion put me in a weird place of lying in order to participate or telling the truth and being barred from participation.
If I tell the meditation retreat I do self-hypnosis and hypnotherapy, then they won’t let me participate. If I tell them I practice any other meditation technique, they also won’t let me participate.
If I lie, then I can do both. Who is the wrong one? The person forcing you to give up what you love to do in order to conform or lying so that you can still do what you love and also participate?
Right and wrong is never fully black and white. It’s often a gray blob.
--
March 14th
The power and potency in my writings are not in the words, but in the vibrations behind the words. The words are symbols. The vibration is what transforms. My goal with my writings is not to convince someone to believe how I believe, but rather to remind them that they have the power to release harmful beliefs and replace them for more beneficial beliefs whenever they are ready to. If I can do it, which is what my blog is about, (a record of my beliefs changing and transforming as the years go by), then surely they can too.
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