Thought Dump Part 22

 June 4th 2021

I know without a doubt that I am trans.
I know without a doubt that this is the healthiest thing I can do for myself.
I no longer starve myself so that I won’t have breasts.
I no longer get anxiety when I look in the mirror.
I no longer have chronic stress eating at me every single day.
However, that is not to say that this transition is just a walk in the park for me. 
People are having to let go of an old outer shell of myself and get used to this new outer shell of me.
Not only that, but I have to make amends and let go of the old outer shell I hid behind to feel safe in my society and religious community.
I have to forgive myself for hiding behind this old outer shell and not feeling strong enough to say anything to anyone because of the fear of being judged, ostracized, bullied for something I cannot control.
I have to let go of this old outer shell I felt safe and comfortable in to show the world, but that I hated and despised because I knew it wasn’t truly expressing my inner truth.
I have to let go of this part of me that was so, so scared, that is still scared.
Transitioning is great, but it’s also scary.
Each day I look in the mirror and sometimes I get scared to identify with what I see because I am still transitioning.
Scared to let go of the beauty standards for females.
Scared of applying myself to the beauty standards of males.
Scared of letting go of the safety and security I felt with my friends and losing that closeness because I now identify to the public as male.
Scared of being left out of events with my friends because my parts are not the same as theirs anymore.
Scared of losing the people I care about the most because it’s too hard for them to see me like this.
There’s a lot I have worked through but so much I still have to work through.
Limiting beliefs, limiting ideas, and trying to navigate my way without many people to help me or understand what I’m going through.
But it’s okay. 
I wouldn’t have been given this challenge unless I knew I could do it, and I know in the end I can, it’s just constantly showing myself I am stronger than the struggles I’m presented with.

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Being in a body that doesn't match your brain is like waking up on some actor set in some movie and never being able to get out of the role people see you as. You have the director and other workers reminding you to act the part of the character and not your true self because that's what you signed up for. So you must play the acting role until you get off the actor set.

Similarly, this is the body I must inhabit until I get out of it. I would wake up, get dressed in clothes that I personally did not prefer, talk in ways I didn't prefer, use female ways of socialization which I did not prefer, all to fit in the role I was expected to play by religion, society, my family and so forth. The only difference was I wasn't getting paid, I was actually paying a high price by not living an authentic life according to how I felt within... I was paying a high price as in jeopardizing my very own health.

It's one thing to be a woman, it's a whole other thing to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body and not do anything about it because you're scared to be ostracized by everyone you love in your life.

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I started noticing there is a pattern; a mathematical sequence that I was becoming aware of that made life flow rhythmically easier. A rhythm that was extremely successful that was a very similar pattern that I kept on seeing all around me, such as when you orgasm either through meditation in the brain or through the other parts, how there’s a certain pattern, there’s a certain sequence.

When you lift weights, there’s a certain sequence to get the maximum benefit and then I realize it’s the Fibonacci! It is all over nature! This is the most successful sequence ever because it follows the natural order of nature and so if you want to be most successful, you should follow this ancient mathematical sequence. Follow the Fibonacci sequence.

When you are running a race, it’s the most effective to start at a decent pace and then pick it up and accelerate until you’re expending all your energy at the end. When you’re lifting weights, we do something called a superset where you continue to drop weight half of the original amount and then another half until you cannot do it any longer. Then the pace of lifting naturally quickens and you can find yourself entering an orgasmic rhythm associated with the pace. When you orgasm through sex, people might start off slow by what they refer to as "playing around", then the clothes fall off, the movements get more intentional, the pace slowly picks up, the kisses get deeper.

You can also follow a steady sequential rhythm that accentuates and increases the orgasmic feeling once that is reached. Similarly with meditation, you tend to start off with slower breaths, but you can experience the energy build up slowly, then faster, until you feel a rush of energy up your spine which eventually releases feel good and expansive reactions in the pineal gland. There is a very successful, beneficial, and beautiful rhythm that one can enter into regardless of the activity and I believe one of those rhythms is the Fibonacci sequence.

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How can a belief system save you if it doesn’t truly exist? But then that's what a majority of Protestant Christian's argue for. They say that since they said a prayer accepting their "belief in Jesus Christ as the Son of God", they are now saved for eternity. However, beliefs are temporary so how could that which is temporary save someone who is already eternal? If you existed before, during and after a belief system did and you are already eternal, why would you need a belief system that says it can do for you what you already are? It wouldn't make sense.

Therefore, it is not your belief in Jesus that saves you but it’s your belief that you can change and go to heaven that secretly "saves you" because you are changing yourself (When in reality you never truly need to be saved because you have always been safe). At the end of the day, people can encourage you, people can motivate you, people can criticize you, but you were the one who changes your life. You’re the one who is creating your own reality and co-creating this world with everyone.

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June 5th

Belief systems are similar to systems of power, religion, society, concepts labels, and identification. As human beings, we have this desire, this feeling of necessity that we have to label everything. We have to define everything. We have to conceptualize everything with our brain but the reality is, our brains can not conceptualize everything and it can barely process what we do know because that's our experience. Our brains may be limited to a degree but our selves are limitless. Due to the amount of cones that generate the amount of colors we can see, the brain can only take in a certain amount of colors compared to other species. We only have like three cones to interpret colors meanwhile there are animals and species that have 16 cones to interpret and see even more colors.

Our brain can only taken so much information at a single moment and therefore, to rely on our brain to conceptualize the whole entire universe and all of its dimensions literally wouldn’t do us proper justice. We have to go beyond our brain. We have to go beyond belief systems. We have to go beyond concepts, labels, identification and go into an area we have never gone before and in order to do that, you must go beyond the brain. Your consciousness needs to lift up and expand beyond your seeming bodily limitations or else you will only be able to understand things from your brains perspective, which can be limiting.
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Though of course there are great things that Christianity has done in helping others, I personally believe that Christianity teaches people to be codependent. The reason why this can be harmful is if you always feel like you have to rely on a father figure outside of you, then you never take the time to work and become the father figure or parent that makes you self-reliant and independent. So then you’re constantly treating yourself as a child and you never "graduate" to the point where you are the father. I believe the family system is a great example of growth. If you're always acting like a child, even as an adult... If you can never make money to provide for youself and always have to beg your parents for money... If you're unemployed eating cheetos and playing video games 40 hours of day for recreation and codependent on your parents for food, gas, money, etc, that codependency and reliance is not beneficial for your growth. Eventually people need to enter into their individuality, but any sort of codependency can hinder that from taking place.

From the religious point of view, the co-dependence lifestyle makes you always co-dependence on God in an unhealthy way. But here is the reality, one day you have to come to the realization that you create your reality; that you are responsible for everything that has come from yourself. When you’re a baby you need to be codependent on your parents, but once you’re 18 realistically having them buy everything for you, give you everything would mean you’re not living up to your responsibility of your age. You’re still living through your parents.

A majority of Christianity teaches you how to be a big kid that never graduates to the responsibilities of adulthood. To be a person that never becomes a father figure; that never takes responsibility. You learn to get in the habit of passing all your success to God and passing all your failure to an enemy called the devil, with little reason to take responsibility for any of it because "you're not really in control." It keeps you in a perpetual state of victim mindset either to God or to the devil and you barely, if ever, take responsibility for anything. You are convinced by this lack of responsibility and codependent reliance that either you were tempted by your sinful nature, the devil tempted you, or God gave it to you.

It’s never you and that’s the issue with Christianity. It teaches you that you are out of control and everything else is going on without your ability to accept or deny experiences and so that is why you need to be codependent on God because only God can change things. So they make you believe that you can’t do it on your own and that’s the issue with Christianity. It breeds unhealthy codependency which leaks into other areas of being such as relationships with family, friends and significant others. I can speak from experience that I've had to de-condition from this codependent induced by Christianity by becoming aware of how it has leaked into other areas of my life.

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The problems within Christianity are systemic. It’s the system of belief which perpetuates codependency, victim mindsets, a negative viewpoint of people (we're all sinners destined for hell) and so forth (By the way, many of these extremely negative doctrines did not sprout up into the church until centuries after Jesus' death).

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The person you love is probably the most powerful person in your life who probably has the most power over you because your love for them is so strong you would do anything for them, and that is a very vulnerable place to be.

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The orthodox Christians have this strange belief that the reason why eternal hell is horrible is because people can’t stand God‘s love as if it’s painful and tormenting to them. To me, that literally makes no sense. How can love be tormenting and painful? Doesn't sound like we are using the right word here... On top of that, they believe eternal hell is eternal separation but we know that love is unifying. Love is harmonious. Love is coherent. Love mends, it doesn’t create eternal torment and separation. If love is separation, then we need to change every single definition on this planet of what love means.

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June 6th

Another negative thing that I know happens to Christians who ascribe themselves to mainstream doctrines of fear within Christianity is that they unconsciously or consciously see people as either mainly bad or mainly good; almost like static characters in a fiction book. They fall into this trap of seeing people through such a thick lens of duality that they are not properly able to understand that people have good in the bad, and bad in the good tendencies.

They don’t treat them with the same empathy or understanding as the dynamic characters they deem as themselves or the other 'dynamic people' in Christianity. So in places where they would let themselves off the hook for making a mistake, they see it as okay. But then when one of the people they label as “bad” makes a mistake, it merely affirms the idea in their head that they are overall a bad person.

Because of Christianity, many have the inability to understand that these people have complex lives and have made good and bad choices just like they have, but for some reason they cannot creating the unifying association to see that similarity.

This often happens when someone only consumes media that points out someone’s negatives more than anything else. So for example, when Fox News just points out all the mistakes Dr. Fauci made without recognizing the amazing advances, helpful areas of improvement to society he has contributed to, people demonize him more than see him as a complex, dynamic human being who has made good/bad choices just like themselves. That’s how they fall in the trap of seeing him as static because by only focusing on someone’s mistakes, people create this narrative that this person is overall just a bad person.

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There’s a difference between crying because someone is not living life the way you want them to live and crying because you empathize with them.

In short I realize that there’s different levels of empathy based off of the different levels of consciousness. So based on how much you remember who you truly are, that shows the level of your consciousness and based off of your level of your consciousness, it shows how well you are able to have empathy for other people and empathy for yourself.
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June 6th

There is freedom and complete transparency. I’m realizing the more open and honest and real I am with everyone, the more free I feel and honestly this freedom is sort of scary because it’s like no strings attached. I don’t know how to describe it but I’m not used to such freedom. I don’t know if it necessarily feels good right now or bad, but it just feels so expansive; especially in having people see through me since I'm sharing the deepest parts of my being. Secrets I’ve been afraid to tell people. I don’t know how to feel about it.

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A lot of Christians are afraid of meditation because they think emptying your mind is not safe. However if thoughts are not yours and they are just some thing that you can grab onto or not then it’s actually a lot more dangerous to always be thinking and not understanding that you were more than your thoughts. This is because you will be tossed around and identified with every thoughts because you think they originate from who you are rather than they arise from experience and are not you.

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June 7th

Don’t you see? This whole life is a story. We are constantly creating connections, associations and relationships. We are choosing our friends. We are choosing a career. We are choosing the house we live in. This is our story and every single day we write it. We write who is going to be the villains, who are going to be the heroes. We write and decide of whom are going to be our friends. Everything we do is a story that one day we will reminisce on.

It’s just like those people in the Bible. They were living their lives and then it turned into a story that people bank their lives on. The only difference is now people deify their past stories of life while they look at their own as nothing more than a mortal fantasy failure. They believe this ugly viewpoint that we all come into this world as evil, wretched sinners and we will all leave this world as evil, wretched sinners and the only way we can be converted is by some deified man named Jesus where alone, he can free ourselves from something that we had no control over in the first place. Brought into this world as a tainted masterpiece, blamed for someone else’s mistakes that we could not control the outcome of. Why would you condense yourself to that story? It's not only depressing and sad but it teeters on the level of sadistic and horrifying. To believe you come into this world sinful and your body stays sinful and most people end up forever gripped by evil and darkness for not reciting a conversion prayer is sad, scary and a perfect example of mind control. No loving God would ever truly leave the 99 sheep to save 1. Jesus expressed that in his parable by showing that God saves EVERYONE. Not some special, holy people, but everyone. If you want to be religious, sure go ahead. But I recommend believing Jesus' words about God rather than beliefs that we know with certainty that have changed throughout the centuries. There is hope for everyone.
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Asking questions using the “pendulum” or by “tarot cards” is literally the same thing as a Christian asking questions through prayer. You are seeking the answer outside of yourself. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, and the truth is nothing is truly in separation from ourselves because we are all one, however why not just answer the question by going more within rather than asking the question by using objects from without? You’ll probably learn independence and trust in oneself more than if you get a beneficial answer from an object that is outside of yourself.