Entry 247 - The Reason Why I'm Not Religious
5/19/20
Many people may wonder about my allegiance to religion, and I would say I have none. I'm completely allegiant and devoted to God, but not religion. I do believe one can learn a lot from different religions, traditions, and cultures, but I am not defined by any. There are many reasons why but I'll try to go in depth about my personal experience.
Growing up, I went to church with my family. I would say I always loved God (even if I didn't understand God) when I was told about God, but I didn't make Christianity my own religion until around 6th grade. I then believed in order to be close to God, I had to be close to Christianity or else my relationship with God wasn't right, and I couldn't "be close to God."
As the years go by, I still fell in love with God, but I expected Christianity to be the mediator between me and God and solve my problems. I wasn't taught how to solve them myself with God, but was expected to continue to go every three or four days to church and that would somehow help. Church every week and reading the Bible and praying were essential and without those things, I was a "not good follower of Christ." So I did my daily duty and continued that all the way up to college without questioning my religion much.
The interesting part about looking at my past is I never learned how to cultivate a state of awareness. I was told multiple times to "not be anxious" and read those verses multiple times, but no one seemed to help me with my awareness and how to combat anxiety. They just told me to "read the Bible" or pray (not saying prayer is bad) but that is what I was told to do. Ironically, reading the Bible often stressed me out even more because a third of it is a culmination of bloody wars, good, bad and the ugly times. It's no shepherds sweet lullaby in every page, so I would have to be selective and find verses that hopefully bring me out of my anxiety.
Later, I joined an intense Christian denomination called the Local Churches. They had two leaders, and they only ready primarily from them and elevated their writings a little too much. However, through them, I learned the dark side of the history of Christianity and was appalled. They used this history as a reason to stay committed to their denomination and never join any other one. However, little did they know their seclusive behavior and close-mindedness would be the catalyst for my personal decision to leave.
Fast-forward to years later where I am meeting with my friends in a Baptist denomination close to my university. People were very nice, and it was your typical friendly Christian denomination Bible-believing church. Two years later, even though I was reading my Bible every day, praying all the time, even leading my own Bible study, going to church related events three or four times a weak, I hit the lowest of lows I've ever experienced in my life. I was so confused because I was doing everything they told me to be okay and not anxious, and it still wasn't working. I prayed desperately for God to help me no matter what way that might have been, and God definitely did answer my prayers, but not in the way I envisioned.
Before that moment, three people encouraged me to read a book called the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I was cautious because I knew it wasn't Christian, and I was conditioned all my life to read Christian books over any other ones, but I was so desperate at the time and nothing else was working for me. I hit such a low that I was constantly in the urgent care worried about stuff that I didn't need to worry about. It got so bad they prescribed me antianxiety medication and for the first time in my life I had suicidal thoughts. At that moment I would take anything to survive, to get rid of this horrible way of thinking.
Every morning and night I would listen to the audible version of it and stretch and then pray to God. My counselor also encouraged me to try a meditation/breathing app and see if that would help. So for seven days, I put that on morning and night, stretched, prayed and meditated for ten minutes. I told myself I was going to document my experience because this book and meditation were very new to me, and I was very cautious and suspicious of them both because of my upbringing in Christianity. It was highly looked down on to meditate, and this book wasn't Christian. By day six, something happened to me that changed my life from that moment onwards. It's almost like everything in my life clicked for the first time. It's as if someone flipped a switch in my brain. I'm not sure if this was a glimpse of awakening, if I did, or what, but if felt like I was a completely brand-new person. I remember writing in my journal, "I feel rooted and grounded like a tree in the forest. Everything is so vibrant and alive. I feel like a new person."
I kid you not when I say I have never felt that way before in my life I completely mean it. I know some people may say it is an initial awakening and I could see that being what happened because I don't know how else to describe it. At that moment, my anxiety was gone, my stress was gone, I stopped the medication, I stopped going to urgent care, and I felt grounded and secure. I couldn't credit Christianity, I could only credit God. Since this awakening happened outside of Christianity, it made me entertain the thought, "Maybe there is more to religion... Maybe God is bigger than religion." Since I could not give any credit to Christianity, it changed my relationship to Christianity. I realized before I was so dependent on Christianity to satisfy so much in my life.
I expected Christianity to save me instead of God. I didn't realize how unaware I was until that moment of almost complete tranquility and awareness. I felt like I was a walking program of the masses. I was just doing it because that's how I was programmed to do it. That's how I grew up doing it. That's what I was told would keep me "holy" and "close to God." I didn't doubt Christianity because doing so made me also doubt God. But at that moment, there was a clear realization that God is bigger than religion. God is bigger than an us versus them mentality. God is bigger than my small limiting beliefs, and that was the beginning of a new journey. No credit to Christianity, only credit to God.
It was definitely very hard at first to meditate, and I struggle for many weeks to keep the habit going, but nonetheless it got easier and easier with time. It went from, "Oh this is dreadful, I just want to think again" to "I look forward to my future meditation." I didn't realize how addicted my mind was to negative thinking until I mediated and would observe my mind's desire to cling to negative thoughts. Each day I continued to grow and learn, listen to whatever audible books came to me, and grew in my personal relationship with God. I still did read the Bible and pray not because I wanted to, but because I was afraid of not reading it.
Months went by, and I felt like I dipped back into old habits. I got busy with my classes and studying and realized I had to pull myself out of a lot of the darkness I once escaped. I was doing just fine until I broke up with my boyfriend and found myself slipping once again into old negative thinking habits. It wouldn't be for a couple more months until I felt that same liberating freedom again. Fast-forward to July 2019, and I wrote down a list of all the things I personally wanted to accomplish during that year. I put I wanted to do improv with National Comedy Theatre, and so I signed up and did it the whole year. During that time, I was free from my breakup and I had time to focus on myself. I spent a lot of time alone and trying to understand myself and I realized, I never really took the time before to do this. So much of my life I lived in such a way that I molded myself to make the people around me accept me and feel comfortable, instead of my own truth. I had to face myself with that, and it was hard. There was a lot I didn't even want to think about, but I realized a lot of anxiety came from that area and had to be addressed.
I remember a very distinct moment after an improv show, and I was hanging with my improv team at the pub next door. I was in the middle of talking to some people and for a moment everything seemed slowed down, and I felt as if I was watching the event from a third party point of view. I thought to myself, "This is so fascinating. I'm finally doing what I love." The experience was surreal, and I still cannot fully explain the mystery behind that moment, but it was very beautiful.
When I did decide to leave, I really contemplated my journey in Christianity.
Growing up, I went to church with my family. I would say I always loved God (even if I didn't understand God) when I was told about God, but I didn't make Christianity my own religion until around 6th grade. I then believed in order to be close to God, I had to be close to Christianity or else my relationship with God wasn't right, and I couldn't "be close to God."
As the years go by, I still fell in love with God, but I expected Christianity to be the mediator between me and God and solve my problems. I wasn't taught how to solve them myself with God, but was expected to continue to go every three or four days to church and that would somehow help. Church every week and reading the Bible and praying were essential and without those things, I was a "not good follower of Christ." So I did my daily duty and continued that all the way up to college without questioning my religion much.
The interesting part about looking at my past is I never learned how to cultivate a state of awareness. I was told multiple times to "not be anxious" and read those verses multiple times, but no one seemed to help me with my awareness and how to combat anxiety. They just told me to "read the Bible" or pray (not saying prayer is bad) but that is what I was told to do. Ironically, reading the Bible often stressed me out even more because a third of it is a culmination of bloody wars, good, bad and the ugly times. It's no shepherds sweet lullaby in every page, so I would have to be selective and find verses that hopefully bring me out of my anxiety.
Later, I joined an intense Christian denomination called the Local Churches. They had two leaders, and they only ready primarily from them and elevated their writings a little too much. However, through them, I learned the dark side of the history of Christianity and was appalled. They used this history as a reason to stay committed to their denomination and never join any other one. However, little did they know their seclusive behavior and close-mindedness would be the catalyst for my personal decision to leave.
Fast-forward to years later where I am meeting with my friends in a Baptist denomination close to my university. People were very nice, and it was your typical friendly Christian denomination Bible-believing church. Two years later, even though I was reading my Bible every day, praying all the time, even leading my own Bible study, going to church related events three or four times a weak, I hit the lowest of lows I've ever experienced in my life. I was so confused because I was doing everything they told me to be okay and not anxious, and it still wasn't working. I prayed desperately for God to help me no matter what way that might have been, and God definitely did answer my prayers, but not in the way I envisioned.
Before that moment, three people encouraged me to read a book called the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I was cautious because I knew it wasn't Christian, and I was conditioned all my life to read Christian books over any other ones, but I was so desperate at the time and nothing else was working for me. I hit such a low that I was constantly in the urgent care worried about stuff that I didn't need to worry about. It got so bad they prescribed me antianxiety medication and for the first time in my life I had suicidal thoughts. At that moment I would take anything to survive, to get rid of this horrible way of thinking.
Every morning and night I would listen to the audible version of it and stretch and then pray to God. My counselor also encouraged me to try a meditation/breathing app and see if that would help. So for seven days, I put that on morning and night, stretched, prayed and meditated for ten minutes. I told myself I was going to document my experience because this book and meditation were very new to me, and I was very cautious and suspicious of them both because of my upbringing in Christianity. It was highly looked down on to meditate, and this book wasn't Christian. By day six, something happened to me that changed my life from that moment onwards. It's almost like everything in my life clicked for the first time. It's as if someone flipped a switch in my brain. I'm not sure if this was a glimpse of awakening, if I did, or what, but if felt like I was a completely brand-new person. I remember writing in my journal, "I feel rooted and grounded like a tree in the forest. Everything is so vibrant and alive. I feel like a new person."
I kid you not when I say I have never felt that way before in my life I completely mean it. I know some people may say it is an initial awakening and I could see that being what happened because I don't know how else to describe it. At that moment, my anxiety was gone, my stress was gone, I stopped the medication, I stopped going to urgent care, and I felt grounded and secure. I couldn't credit Christianity, I could only credit God. Since this awakening happened outside of Christianity, it made me entertain the thought, "Maybe there is more to religion... Maybe God is bigger than religion." Since I could not give any credit to Christianity, it changed my relationship to Christianity. I realized before I was so dependent on Christianity to satisfy so much in my life.
I expected Christianity to save me instead of God. I didn't realize how unaware I was until that moment of almost complete tranquility and awareness. I felt like I was a walking program of the masses. I was just doing it because that's how I was programmed to do it. That's how I grew up doing it. That's what I was told would keep me "holy" and "close to God." I didn't doubt Christianity because doing so made me also doubt God. But at that moment, there was a clear realization that God is bigger than religion. God is bigger than an us versus them mentality. God is bigger than my small limiting beliefs, and that was the beginning of a new journey. No credit to Christianity, only credit to God.
It was definitely very hard at first to meditate, and I struggle for many weeks to keep the habit going, but nonetheless it got easier and easier with time. It went from, "Oh this is dreadful, I just want to think again" to "I look forward to my future meditation." I didn't realize how addicted my mind was to negative thinking until I mediated and would observe my mind's desire to cling to negative thoughts. Each day I continued to grow and learn, listen to whatever audible books came to me, and grew in my personal relationship with God. I still did read the Bible and pray not because I wanted to, but because I was afraid of not reading it.
Months went by, and I felt like I dipped back into old habits. I got busy with my classes and studying and realized I had to pull myself out of a lot of the darkness I once escaped. I was doing just fine until I broke up with my boyfriend and found myself slipping once again into old negative thinking habits. It wouldn't be for a couple more months until I felt that same liberating freedom again. Fast-forward to July 2019, and I wrote down a list of all the things I personally wanted to accomplish during that year. I put I wanted to do improv with National Comedy Theatre, and so I signed up and did it the whole year. During that time, I was free from my breakup and I had time to focus on myself. I spent a lot of time alone and trying to understand myself and I realized, I never really took the time before to do this. So much of my life I lived in such a way that I molded myself to make the people around me accept me and feel comfortable, instead of my own truth. I had to face myself with that, and it was hard. There was a lot I didn't even want to think about, but I realized a lot of anxiety came from that area and had to be addressed.
I remember a very distinct moment after an improv show, and I was hanging with my improv team at the pub next door. I was in the middle of talking to some people and for a moment everything seemed slowed down, and I felt as if I was watching the event from a third party point of view. I thought to myself, "This is so fascinating. I'm finally doing what I love." The experience was surreal, and I still cannot fully explain the mystery behind that moment, but it was very beautiful.
When I did decide to leave, I really contemplated my journey in Christianity.
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