Entry 220 - Lesson on Stress
3/31/20
I've had some pretty interesting experiences today that have taught me a lot about stress. As I was driving on a pretty narrow road, a huge truck with two college students crossed the double lines and sped right past me on a small, narrow road. It was pretty risky and not very safe and raised some red flags. I continued forward for some time when all of a sudden they came from the opposite way and turned the corner and were on the right side of the road and slammed right into my car, head on with their huge truck. The craziest part about it, was I somehow remained very calm and still during the whole scenario. I didn't scream, I didn't cry, I just let braced myself for the impact and then got out of the car after he hit me.
Perhaps I was in shock or perhaps all that meditation really paid off, I have no clue. All I know was I was still as a toothpick. I wasn't hurt, and it mainly was a fast hit with my hood and light being jacked up, but it still definitely was a very humbling moment and made me realize how we never know what might be around the corner. Even though we can brace ourselves, protect ourselves, drive responsibly, there are going to be people out there who choose to live irresponsibly and potentially hurt more people than just themselves. Their chaotic driving sober was an expression of their chaotic world within them.
No one in their right mind would ever drive that crazy, especially on a road leading to homes where kids are playing outside. Instead of reacting right away, I took a couple breaths and I let the emotion of anger of their irresponsible stupid behavior dissipate, then I started talking to them as calmly as I could, knowing yelling and being angry won't help anyone, even though people would say I had a right to be. I got his driver's license, insurance, and then went on my way. I think what really sealed the deal was he never apologized, he just reassured me he wasn't trying to hit me.
As I was driving, I needed a place to rest and meditate because that was all just too much to handle. So I went to the top of a mountain in a residential area alongside some homes and went to the top. There were two guys who were smoking weed and playing loud club music, and before I could properly compose myself, I asked them if they could just wait ten minutes before they begin all that in a rather direct way that carried some passive aggressiveness in my tone.
They laughed at me and I went off to meditate. After ten minutes, I felt like apologizing for being so direct and sharp and wanted to explain how I'm a little on edge because someone just hit my car head on while I was driving and that I guess I still haven't dealt with the emotions properly because I let some of that pain out onto you guys. They said it was okay and that they were sorry I got hit and that they wish me the best.
What I realized from these experiences is that my undealt emotions through that painful experience of that guy hitting my car was wrongfully placed onto those two guys instead of being properly dealt with. Though you might say again, it was alright for me to ask that, especially on top of such a tiny mountain, but I would say it felt definitely wrong to allow my pain to pierce other people through my tone of voice to them. I realized that even though it was not my responsibility that that guy crashed into me head on, it is my responsibility with how I work through those emotions properly, thoroughly, and fully, so that I won't dump the pain from those undealt emotions onto others. What I realized was the two thoughts that ran through my head were: This is justified to treat them like this because I am in pain and what they are doing is wrong. First of all, it is never justified to treat someone in a way that is hurtful to them.
Though yes it may not be the best thing that they are smoking weed and playing loud music on the top of the mountain, they deserve just as much respect as any other person, and they definitely do not deserve my undealt emotional pain. But the fact that the mind justifies treating others with pain because I am in pain is a very peculiar thing that I came across during these experiences. That justification was the door to unnecessary, uncalled-for, and unwanted pain in conversations with people who never asked for your bad mood in the first place. Yes, I may have been going through something horrible, but that is my own baggage.
I should never think it is okay to unload on others, and I think that is a major problem with most of us. We are all hurting in some type of way, whether we've been bullied by friends, random people at school, our siblings or parents, or abused, or tragic events that we never took the time to work through, and our minds try to justify unloading that negative emotion on others because we think it is justified in our own eyes because we're hurting, and we have a right to act like this. The reality is, your reaction is simply a reflection of your current state.
If someone is in pain, and they are causing pain to others, the pain they cause without is evidence of the pain that is deeply rooted within. But if someone was in pain, but they did their homework and they worked through it. They prayed, they meditated, they took the time and energy out of their day to properly heal and instead of reacting based off of pain, they took time to calmly respond based off of what is best, then that also is a reflection of their world within.
These experiences were a wake-up call of how much stress tips me off. Even though I didn't physically show the angry I had for that college student who hit me and didn't even apologize, I didn't deal with that anger that was within me and I let it store deep within to later be released on two other guys who never asked for it. Then, when another situation happened of lesser degree, that undealt with emotional pain came out and manifested in unnecessary passive aggressiveness to those people on the mountain. Once I realized that, I hit a moment of realization.
I hit my breaking point. I realized that silence is powerful in the midst of speaking and if I am not in a good place and I know I still have to deal with my emotions properly, there is nothing wrong with giving yourself time and space from people so that you don't say anything you would regret. Having that silence and time to reflect, learn, feel your emotions fully and grow are all essential aspects of letting the pain go properly and not allowing it to stay in your system for someone else to unknowingly discover within you.
Perhaps I was in shock or perhaps all that meditation really paid off, I have no clue. All I know was I was still as a toothpick. I wasn't hurt, and it mainly was a fast hit with my hood and light being jacked up, but it still definitely was a very humbling moment and made me realize how we never know what might be around the corner. Even though we can brace ourselves, protect ourselves, drive responsibly, there are going to be people out there who choose to live irresponsibly and potentially hurt more people than just themselves. Their chaotic driving sober was an expression of their chaotic world within them.
No one in their right mind would ever drive that crazy, especially on a road leading to homes where kids are playing outside. Instead of reacting right away, I took a couple breaths and I let the emotion of anger of their irresponsible stupid behavior dissipate, then I started talking to them as calmly as I could, knowing yelling and being angry won't help anyone, even though people would say I had a right to be. I got his driver's license, insurance, and then went on my way. I think what really sealed the deal was he never apologized, he just reassured me he wasn't trying to hit me.
As I was driving, I needed a place to rest and meditate because that was all just too much to handle. So I went to the top of a mountain in a residential area alongside some homes and went to the top. There were two guys who were smoking weed and playing loud club music, and before I could properly compose myself, I asked them if they could just wait ten minutes before they begin all that in a rather direct way that carried some passive aggressiveness in my tone.
They laughed at me and I went off to meditate. After ten minutes, I felt like apologizing for being so direct and sharp and wanted to explain how I'm a little on edge because someone just hit my car head on while I was driving and that I guess I still haven't dealt with the emotions properly because I let some of that pain out onto you guys. They said it was okay and that they were sorry I got hit and that they wish me the best.
What I realized from these experiences is that my undealt emotions through that painful experience of that guy hitting my car was wrongfully placed onto those two guys instead of being properly dealt with. Though you might say again, it was alright for me to ask that, especially on top of such a tiny mountain, but I would say it felt definitely wrong to allow my pain to pierce other people through my tone of voice to them. I realized that even though it was not my responsibility that that guy crashed into me head on, it is my responsibility with how I work through those emotions properly, thoroughly, and fully, so that I won't dump the pain from those undealt emotions onto others. What I realized was the two thoughts that ran through my head were: This is justified to treat them like this because I am in pain and what they are doing is wrong. First of all, it is never justified to treat someone in a way that is hurtful to them.
Though yes it may not be the best thing that they are smoking weed and playing loud music on the top of the mountain, they deserve just as much respect as any other person, and they definitely do not deserve my undealt emotional pain. But the fact that the mind justifies treating others with pain because I am in pain is a very peculiar thing that I came across during these experiences. That justification was the door to unnecessary, uncalled-for, and unwanted pain in conversations with people who never asked for your bad mood in the first place. Yes, I may have been going through something horrible, but that is my own baggage.
I should never think it is okay to unload on others, and I think that is a major problem with most of us. We are all hurting in some type of way, whether we've been bullied by friends, random people at school, our siblings or parents, or abused, or tragic events that we never took the time to work through, and our minds try to justify unloading that negative emotion on others because we think it is justified in our own eyes because we're hurting, and we have a right to act like this. The reality is, your reaction is simply a reflection of your current state.
If someone is in pain, and they are causing pain to others, the pain they cause without is evidence of the pain that is deeply rooted within. But if someone was in pain, but they did their homework and they worked through it. They prayed, they meditated, they took the time and energy out of their day to properly heal and instead of reacting based off of pain, they took time to calmly respond based off of what is best, then that also is a reflection of their world within.
These experiences were a wake-up call of how much stress tips me off. Even though I didn't physically show the angry I had for that college student who hit me and didn't even apologize, I didn't deal with that anger that was within me and I let it store deep within to later be released on two other guys who never asked for it. Then, when another situation happened of lesser degree, that undealt with emotional pain came out and manifested in unnecessary passive aggressiveness to those people on the mountain. Once I realized that, I hit a moment of realization.
I hit my breaking point. I realized that silence is powerful in the midst of speaking and if I am not in a good place and I know I still have to deal with my emotions properly, there is nothing wrong with giving yourself time and space from people so that you don't say anything you would regret. Having that silence and time to reflect, learn, feel your emotions fully and grow are all essential aspects of letting the pain go properly and not allowing it to stay in your system for someone else to unknowingly discover within you.
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