Exploring Life

3/31/20 I remember a time not too long ago, where someone said horrible things about me, and then someone else heard and started laughing at the horrible things they said about me. What made it worse is that person who was laughing, also said even worse things about me than the other person and never apologized for it either. So I had to learn to forgive someone who never apologized in the first place, and move on. The one who was laughing bullied me by attacking my looks, my career, my beliefs, and more, telling me I would never make it in my acting career. The only thing that kept me from responding back with equally rude statements was knowing that the God of this universe is a just God, and what someone sows, it what they also will reap.  I don't have to try to get this person back, their own words will come back and hurt them. Though I obviously do not want them to be hurt, it isn't my responsibility if someone is speaking evil about me, that's solely on them. People

3/31/20 I've had some pretty interesting experiences today that have taught me a lot about stress. As I was driving on a pretty narrow road, a huge truck with two college students crossed the double lines and sped right past me on a small, narrow road. It was pretty risky and not very safe and raised some red flags. I continued forward for some time when all of a sudden they came from the opposite way and turned the corner and were on the right side of the road and slammed right into my car, head on with their huge truck. The craziest part about it, was I somehow remained very calm and still during the whole scenario. I didn't scream, I didn't cry, I just let braced myself for the impact and then got out of the car after he hit me. Perhaps I was in shock or perhaps all that meditation really paid off, I have no clue. All I know was I was still as a toothpick.  I wasn't hurt, and it mainly was a fast hit with my hood and light being jacked up, but it still definitely w

2/23/20 It’s just the same thing over and over again.  The same old conversations.... The same cycles.... The same everything. It all feels so empty... So... Meaningless.... So not even worth pretending like I enjoy it.  All of it just feels so not worth it. As we circulate through the same 15 topics at the dinner table, I sit there observing, thinking to myself... This can’t possibly be it... This can’t possibly be the meaning. I feel like I need to return to my calling, to who I am and what I feel like my mission here on earth is because right now I feel the emptiness of all empties. I feel like I’m going against the universe. Like I’m not aligned with my purpose. Like I’m not living my life authentically and it hurts.

3/8/20 I see this a lot where someone says, "What type of versions do you have and with whom?" And it kind of bothers me because I don't think how you act should be compared to if you're wearing a mask or becoming a different "version" of yourself because that implies your splitting yourself up in versions that are not inherently who you are. When you adjust to your environment to act a certain way, you can still be living authentically who you are, but you don't have to give anyone access to the deepest parts of your being. You don't have to be vulnerable with everyone. You don't have to laugh and make jokes with everyone. You are not required to be serious with everyone.  Just like you are in different environments, the way you act can change just like those environments. It doesn't mean you are wearing a mask or becoming someone you're not, it just means you are trying to act in a way that is accustomed to that event. If you're at

3/8/20 If you focus on the dark, you get the dark. If you focus on the light you get the light. The world outside of you is a mere reflection of the world you've created within. 

3/8/20 Your love is nothing but the other side of hate. Hence, your love has reference: somebody has been beautiful to you yesterday, he was so nice that you feel great love for him. This is not love; this is the other side of hate – the reference proves it. Or somebody is going to be nice to you tomorrow: the way he smiled at you, the way he talked to you, the way he invited you to his house tomorrow – he is going to be loving to you. And great love arises.  "This is not the love buddhas talk about. This is hate disguised as love – that's why your love can turn into hate any moment. Scratch a person just a little bit, and the love disappears and hate arises. It is not even skin-deep. Even so-called great lovers are continuously fighting, continuously at each other's throats – nagging, destructive. And people think this is love… "Your love is not really love: it is its very opposite. It is hate disguised as love, camouflaged as love, parading as love. True love has no

2/12/20 Okay it's February 12th 2020 and how do I explain what is happening to me... I am getting more feelings of oneness and interconnectedness with everything and everyone... I feel a constant surge of energy all throughout my body that at times is very strong.  I feel more sensitive to the energy that is around me. I have this innate feeling that nothing is real. All is a dream and a deep realization that we are not our bodies, but spiritual brings having a human experience.  I feel like there are certain things I just know without explanation. Like my gut is fine-tuned beyond what is used to be. I feel an incredibly intense, deep, unending love for every human and everything else on this planet. This love is so deep that I get emotional about the smallest experiences with the creation and other people. It's like my fear has dissipated and been replaced with a trust that feels almost innate.  When I look back at pictures of myself, it's almost like I'm seeing a comp