Entry 2,377 - Entry 2,387
Entry 2,377 - December 3, 2024
For most people, everything outside of us is unbeknownst to us, painted by a belief held within us.
Entry 2,378 - December 3, 2024
I had a realization while listening to Breaking Free by High School Musical. Since I first heard this song when I was a kid, it's automatically linked to my inner child and my younger self from the past.
While listening, I realized the reason why I take care of my body with love is because my younger self didn't know how to. The reason why I work out to get strong is because my younger self felt like they couldn't, or else it may have made it harder to mask.
The reason why I am training so hard to be in the CHP is because my younger self loved cars and helping others out. The reason why I'm studying to be the valedictorian of my CHP class is because my younger self always wanted to be top of my class, but they didn't know how to or have the support to get there.
Entry 2,379 - December 5, 2024
I fear (in the excited way, not the dreadful way) that the universe's plans for my life are so much more amazing than anything I could ever plan through my ego.
Entry 2,380 - December 8, 2024
All learned behavior stems from what we deem desirable in maintaining our health, wealth, relationships, and connections.
In terms of learned helplessness, a learned behavior either acquired before or after meeting someone with narcissistic tendencies, it has an interesting downside that also infects relationships since it is ultimately a negative trait in response to controlling, narcissistic behavior.
When a person desires to control more than their desire for equanimity in a relationship, an imbalance occurs. Think of a balance with nothing on either side at first. Then put 10 pounds of controlling behavior on one end, and you'll see the imbalance becomes evident.
In order to provide equanimity in the relationship and keep the happiness of the counterpart, one believes they must compensate and release control through learned helplessness. Though this may appease the person who has acquired very controlling behavior, it is oftentimes at the detriment of everyone in some way.
The imbalance unfortunately carries on throughout the family tree until someone decides to bring the behavior to the light, change it within themselves, and offer others the opportunity to see the benefit of changing imbalanced behavior to equanimous behavior.
It also requires bravery, as once a person moves away from imbalanced behavior to balanced, other people no longer have the capacity to excessively control and may feel angry. They either also change, or the imbalanced relationship further deteriorates.
Learned helplessness creates major blocks in all areas of one's life and is compensatory learned behavior to maintain a healthy relationship dynamic. It affects relationships between children, friends, and more. This happens because, oftentimes, the person has acquired learned helplessness to maintain the relationship between the person who seeks to control and themselves.
However, it is also unknowingly applied to other people who do not seek that imbalance. These people who do not welcome such imbalanced behavior are oftentimes deflected from such signs of learned weakness.
Learned helplessness seeks passive control of the situation by allowing the other person complete control. However, there are numerous issues with this. For example, it is tipped so far in the scale of loss of control that one acts similar to a lost child, and this leads to trust issues for those who don't participate in this imbalance.
People with learned helplessness might unconsciously ask for help in every way so that their controlling counterpart can get the control they crave. The learned helplessness-leaning adult might lose their keys, might pretend to not know how to plan events, what the best direction is, what the best thing to say is, or what restaurant is best.
What happens is that the controlling counterpart loves this behavior because it allows him to shine, but everyone else around the learned helplessness person loses confidence in the person because the learned helpless adult seems, on the surface, to be incapable of most ordinary tasks, even though they are not.
The learned helplessness person may have the urge to always ask for help for the tiniest things and then completely forget they received help and never give proper recognition to the person.
This makes those who are outsiders of the relationship not want to help at all because they don't want to contribute to the learned helplessness, and they also don't feel appreciated.
Truly, the only people that benefit from this behavior, which exhibits a loss of control, loss of boundaries, and loss of inner autonomy, are those who crave controlling others to feel better about themselves.
Entry 2,381 - December 8, 2024
- Ditch the hedges. Speak in absolutes (don't say perhaps, maybe, or I think). Be absolute with your opinion.
- Don't hesitate (like, um, uh).
- Leave uncertain words with a powerful pause.
- Turn pasts into presents (helpful for persuading).
- Know when to express doubt (we oftentimes see opinions as facts). "I could be wrong, but..." in order to persuade others of your arguments.
Entry 2,382 - December 9, 2024
I can’t help but feel the fullness of myself “at work.” What I mean by that is, every day I become more and more aware of all versions of myself—past, present, future—meditating onwards. I feel like all of it is aiding me in this now moment.
I feel the intensity of the meditative practice of my 80-year-old self. I feel the intensity and rigorous practice of body mastery from my 40-year-old self. I feel the intensity and rigor of my 14-year-old self. That intensity is evident but applied to different areas of my life, all culminating to now, somehow influencing now, beyond what I could imagine, in ways I could never fully fathom.
Somehow, all of me is really at work in this incarnation. This incarnation feels like the one that breaks all chains—past, present, future—not just for myself, but for others, and that scares me. Not because of anything associated with death, but rather because of the responsibility that follows the idea itself.
If in this life I am not dealing with my own karmic propensities but rather the ancestors I saw in that meditation and the collective consciousness of those on this planet, then that means I have a ton of responsibility. That means I’m really not here for myself. That means my work here is not for me alone. It is for everyone at an intrinsic and extrinsic level, and that is scary!
I feel this intuitively, but it’s also hard for me to conceptually grasp knowing the current fickleness of my egoic tendencies and barriers to permanent self-realization. Though I’ve taken a psychological evaluation and know I don’t have any personality disorders, I do know I have learned tendencies from both of my parents that seem like impediments to self-realization but beneficial for other gains.
Maybe they are great for “Kyglo’s goals and dreams,” but I worry about it. I worry, and I probably shouldn’t, but I worry. Because if this was my choice to deal with the collective ego of consciousness, then I need to get my shit together, and I don’t know where to start.
It feels similar to throwing a dart at a board with a blindfold on. I’ve been chucking darts, and sometimes they land, and they REALLY land. Other times, they’re so completely off the board it’s embarrassing and takes me off my tracks to somewhere very far away.
But maybe that’s part of dealing with the collective karma of the ego, and my ego is trying to rationalize it all, which it is incapable of doing. So, in that case, maybe I should stop identifying with this random thought stream attracted to me via my ego and sit down and meditate, for God’s sake.
Entry 2,383 - December 15, 2024
The existence of aliens do not fit within the paradigms of many of our religious stories nor does the ability to create egoic shells to inhabit consciousness such as AI...
Many people aren't going to be ready to accept them. This will force us to re-think century-old religions. These old religions will either have to adapt quickly or face extinction.
Entry 2,384 - December 16, 2024
If I rather redirect my attention and focus on loving milk, does it not do better than if I were to focus my attention on hating that which isn't beneficial?
Entry 2,385 - December 17, 2024
Realizations
⁃ Buying a mortgage on a house is a scam. Just build yourself a tiny home and pay for the parts when you get the money.
⁃ Psychic readings are no more help than therapy. They point out inconsistencies, deficient behavior, or places that need more empathy. Many times, since the person is already heavily identified with the ego, it takes months and months for them to actually make a difference because the ego enjoys suffering. Daily disciplined meditation and contemplation are more powerful because they help one transcend attachments.
⁃ Credit cards are also a scam.
⁃ The government doesn't need to tell you the truth if it doesn't benefit them to do so. Otherwise, deception is key to keep people calm and confused.
Entry 2,386 - December 18, 2024
The internet, not guns, is responsible for the massive radicalization of everyday humans.
The terrorism we see is a byproduct of the terrorism in our corporations that are hushed away with billions of dollars in high-end court systems.
People die by healthcare, and hush money bails these corporations out. Corporations don't go to jail because it isn't a person, and the CEOs are protected because they aren't a corporation.
Making it fair is what the American people want.
Entry 2,387 - December 20, 2024
What I noticed after transitioning and being perceived as cisgender male is that many women treat me similar to how men treated me when I was perceived female.
What I mean by that is there seems to be an inherent camaraderie between like genders and a distance that is genuinely felt between the two genders.
Even if I’m trying to be super nice or crack a wholesome joke, I’ll have women literally just stare at me and not even care. It’s very strange.
I’ll have women treat me very differently, and it’s weird. I didn’t know for sure how it would be after my transition, but I guess this outcome makes the most sense.
Naturally, people tend to feel an affinity towards those who are more like them, and for some reason, the divide between the sexes is a very strong experience.
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